For one, we all have *that* cousin or uncle who’s a little off. Even though they have been a primary cause of these behaviors, parents find it difficult to love or even like a child who exhibits these attributes. First, know that you are not alone, and that these feelings are shared by others. By becoming conscious of your own parenting style, you can deliberately learn how to take back your source of injury and heal it. Take care. I start my second round of therapy next week, and finally started anti-depressants today. My mum cannot feel emotion as as she approaches 80, still scrambles for excuses and other people to blame for her mistakes, denies the things she did to me or claims forgetfulness, feels her 'job' ended when I reached adulthood (and actually it was somewhat of a blessing when it did), tries to get me to conceal or bury my feelings away and has never learned to give support rather than advice leaving me a failure in work, love and life despite being blessed with everything else required for success. Do Narcissists Prefer to Date Other Narcissists? Based on my years of experience working with an E.D. However, I’m almost forty and I just don’t find the same kind of excitement in playing the games he wants to play. As a result, they were able to develop more compassion for their past, and for their present-day limitations. I had my own past issues, obviously- projecting them on my kids. I mean a mom, or dad who didnt even allow their children to get drivers licenses, and at 25 yrs. The Neglectful Parent or Overprotective Parent. You're about to go bed, and you look one last time at your sleeping child... the one you can't love. I was very smothering at times and other times resentful. If you don’t love your child, if you resent them, or if you ‘love’ them but don’t ‘like’ them, then they will pick up on this to a certain extent through your mannerisms and the way you act toward them – just as you start to suspect something is wrong in a relationship before you get dumped. In Compassionate Child-Rearing, I described many parents who came to understand and feel for what had happened to them as children. a thousand times a day, but that doesn't make it true. Some people just aren't fit to be parents. Even though she lost custody for almost a decade. What a load of garbage. Please start realizing that if you done this much, you can do more -- you can create meaningful relationships, pursue activities that fulfill you, contribute to your community in various way, and much more. You know when someone feels something for you because shock horror, you can feel the emotion, the energy from that person. This is a great article. There are many mothers who would find this tedious and depressing and who need to be away from their children for times doing other things, working and enjoying other non child activities. We all have strengths and weaknesses and issues to work through but there's no need to over complicate something this simple. Also if you son is somewhere on Asperger spectrum, his brain doesn't pick up social cues from others the way we "normal" do, and that's certainly not your fault. Now he is an excellent father could'nt ask for better father for my son but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. So what about children with ADHD and schizophrenia? Any act of warmth from others, I start to guard myself fast possibly because whenever little affection was shown by parents followed by some unreasonable demands. I Don’t Love My Child Anymore She Said – Or Does She? I don't love them anymore - I feel they are talking up all my time and they are so bothersome! I'm a nervous wreck after reading that worrying that I give too much love or don't show enough!!! Does it really matter if the parent is parenting poorly subconsciously? Parents’ good intentions are not a substitute for nurturing love, which can only be provided by a psychologically healthy and independent adult. There was a time when one of our children didn’t love me. If you seriously can't cope with your kids anymore give them to their father or find a safe loving place for them to be. There are many possible reasons you feel an inability to bond with your son or daughter, and just because you feel this way today does not mean it will be this way forever. No. The Appeal of Conspiracy Theories for Spiritual People. During infancy, attuned interactions between a baby and its mother (or primary caregiver) are especially important because they provide the baby with the environment necessary for learning how to regulate emotions and for developing empathy. And if your marriage is difficult or unhappy, your child can become a pawn in your relationship. I think its totally selfish to do this especially as your child may be to young to know whats happening but when he gets older he will resent you for it. This is a formula for excessive domination. Im still seeking some sort of answers and resolutions for this. They still need success from me rather than addressing hurt I'm having right now. jm. Other parents are better at nurturing and really enjoy being in close proximity to their child, but they become anxious when the child wants to leave their side to explore the environment. They find it threatening to bear the responsibility and extensive care that the baby and developing child require and may even come to resent their offspring. Forget these people that say your crazy! have refused to cultivate it. Anyone can tell someone they love someone but look at a person's behaviour and that tells you all you need to know. No matter how well-intentioned, many people are unfortunately not prepared for the task of raising children. If this is your situation, then you may feel that the responsibility of raising a child is too much for you to bear. Please be compassionate with yourself. The article does create shame. Well, I guess it is weakness -- I wasn't strong enough to stand up to her when I should have. The most obvious reason for your detachment is postpartum depression. You suffered but you aren't your suffering. But it was more than just a rough night; it was a stark and deeply unpleasant sense that there had been many nights like this and there would be many more to come. I was a single mommy, only 27, with four kids. I was kicked out of the house when I told my parents that I was pregnant. Posted Mar 02, 2018 Sometimes, as parents, we are triggered by memories of our own childhood, causing feelings of inadequacy, fear, or … He has little peronal skills, low self esteem and Aspbergers. Now he is an excellent father could'nt ask for better father for my son but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. 8. ........... You survived; you have insight; you're in therapy -- you've built a palace! My mom was immature and selfish and emotionally unstable, but she didn't wish we were dead. Unfortunately, you're wrong. For example, if you are religious and your child is a non-believer; or if you are a Democrat and your child is a Republican, your child no longer serves that necessary function. If you feel panicked at the thought of that, there's probably an issue. I think it makes them feel less guilty. NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. Your story shows a deep understanding of what children need and deserve. Parents’ unfulfilled primitive hunger for love and care from their childhood causes them, in turn, to focus these strong desires on their children. Don't think I can carry on for long with health issues which I'm pretty sure was brought by demands which were placed on me every minute of early age. Each child is genetically different and has a unique agenda and personal destiny. Dreams have been described as dress rehearsals for real life, opportunities to gratify wishes, and a form of nocturnal therapy. In time, this can cause resentment and ultimately cut off those loving feelings that you may have felt initially for your baby. If you look closely, you may realize that disliking your child is more about you than them—because it has to do with your reaction to their behavior. He does annoying stuff and then laughs about it mischievously, even when someone is at the crying point. Whoa, this article is eye opening. You sound judgmental and preachy. I don’t put any stock in psychology anymore. If you think you love your children, you do. You may find yourself abusing your son or daughter through your negative interactions, both emotionally and physically. (esp. In fact, they are more likely to project their negative feelings onto others, and there is no better dumping ground for our negative perceptions of ourselves than our children. If the parents were hurt in their developmental years, they will have problems accepting love and intimacy from their children. I feel your pain of what you went through and going through now. There are many ways to be a … To wit, is there a difference between being "in love" and love? 4. Then I’m ready to put on my “big girl pants” on. Very often this myth has an adverse effect, though, in that it leads to a failure to challenge negative behaviors within family life. Looking back and hashing everything out, in my mind, I realize that all 8 factors affected me and my siblings. In any case, the child is always more expendable than the parent’s defense system. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore. Parents have unresolved trauma in their own lives. Are you an adult in pain because you haven't come to terms with how your parents treated you, or are you a parent who knows deep down that you're not nurturing your own children? Popular or local values project its various ideals onto a society that then mutates it according to some other factor(s). Posted Mar 02, 2018 Even in this moment of complete vulnerability and perhaps guilt, you ask yourself "why?" And my son is very handsome, so much so that I’ve had people tell me he doesn’t “look” autistic (weird right?) I will pray for you and your son as I pray for my kids and myself. As they grow older, children find numerous ways of defending themselves in order to relieve or numb their pain. But this article is to help you become aware to be able to make change for yourself, therefore positively affecting your children. Mine suddenly divorced my dad and gave him custody of me and my sister when I was about 7, and I've been emotionally stunted ever since-i already had high levels of anxiety for a kid, that level of rejection sent me running for cover. 5. She takes that attitude with pretty much everything I do. Of course not.... you just want to judge people instead of helping them make a change. Whoever even tries to do me good,I walk away from them.I didn't know clearly why. In my experience working with parents over the years, I have found this is often the case if you married because you were pregnant and your pregnancy altered the future of your goals and aspirations. Then, forced to marry the father which I knew I wasn't ready to do, but had no where to go- so I married him. Nothing is carved in granite; through introspection and self-analysis, you can recognize and acknowledge your own developmental history. They probably never have been depressed. Part of HuffPost Parenting. The above article is certainly thought provoking and worthy. This does not help parenting, but as this article points out, increases parental issues. I mean this sincerely. Sounds pretty defensive and angry to me. Parents tend to use their children as immortality projects, which has a destructive effect on their offspring. 7. It's not ok of her, that's not at all what I'm saying, I just wanna show you a different way it could be that doesn't reflect on your intrinsic value as a human being. The house is dark. From this article, I see behavior in my boys that was from my parenting style. Thank God he has a dad who somehow loves through all of this, but there's a reason my son has no friends and is a teacher's worst nightmare. Most parents do their very best and love their children very much and do not have to worry about the "harm" they've done to their kids. I have read your book on death anxiety and found it wonderful and informative. You don’t necessarily have to work with an agency for this path. They are now 30, 29, 27 and 25. My mum's solitary and Victorian upbringing, depression/narcissism after her failed marriages, her unreasonable demands upon me, my requirement to parent her, resentment towards me, physical abuse, etc, etc, etc. Now all those memories have come to haunt me. Don’t get my wrong, our son is as entertaining as he is wild and playing with him can be tons of fun. I reacted similarly to this article. It serves no constructive purpose for parents to conceal their inadequacies from a child. A mom is never, ever supposed to admit this, but here goes: I've never liked my child. As the article points out, parents who get counseling to address their childhood issues or trauma or immaturity, may become a better parent and give their child a better chance at being raised in a healthy manner. My mother has been pretty much the same as yours, it sounds like. You hit the nail on the head, I totally agree. Even if life has fucked up your ability to believe in that, it's still true. I searched google for "child who cannot care for themselves" and came across your article. No offense intended, just hoping that you can get a handle on your pain. We've seperated and have been trying to make it work but the feelings have all gone for me. When discussing a popular amorphous word, such as "love," it would do great service for each side of the discussion to first make a clear and acceptable definition of the term. They did a survey, and found psychologists to be the most maladjusted group in society! But I never expect them to say it back. It was not uncommon some time ago (and still occurs today) that professionals and academics in social sciences would receive criticisms from their counterparts in natural sciences because the latter viewed the former as non-scientists since their disciplines lack "intellectual rigor." You may be that unfulfilled mother who never reached her life goals and passions, and feel unsatisfied and unhappy in your life. Not all of those people are monsters. My ex-long story short I had to leave him even tho I didn't want to-killed himself last April and I have been drowning in his absolute lack of existence ever since, even if he didn't believe that would happen. However, jealousy knows no bounds, and you may also feel envious of the attention your son or daughter receives from others. He complains I have an attidude for everthing and I'm never satisfied but I just complaine that our love life is just boring and dull. Parents now behave like they did all good while I was forced to waste my talent and worse made to feel like worthless even though I had been among top performers.I wish I had seen these articles before ten years. If this is the case, chances are that you don't love your partner anymore—or your partner doesn't value you. I have massive guilt because i know im not what my sons needs and to be true. This is a very important article, because today's children are tomorrow's adults. thank you dr firestone. As a result, if your child gets too much attention from others, including family members, you may dominate your child in an effort to squash your child's self-esteem. If we want to create a more harmonious society, we need to be aware of how we bring up our children, and the mistakes we inevitably make. But this article is about breaking the chain and understanding that everyone does their best creates empathy and forgiveness, which helps you in the long run. As usual, making it all about what she feels instead of keeping a broader view, but not malicious-she hated the fact that she is why I'm like this, heading into my third hospitalization and subsequent long term structured residence for the not-really-ok-but-trying crowd, and I suspect your mom might be reacting in a similar way. Only then can you find your way back to a healthy and happy relationship with your baby. We fight alot about really stupit things. Brings up some of the Inconvenient Truths of parents. Many times, the child who grows up to be this parent was abused him/herself. We were raised by strict, overprotective Indian parents. In the article it describes affection will be felt as pain. Do You or Your Partner Have an Avoidant Attachment Pattern. Compensating though Competition and Control. Medication, therapy and behavior modification can all work together to help you recover and bond with your baby. Simply don't know how long I can be resilient. What Do I Do With My Loved One’s Belongings? At 16 she still cannot do a lot of basic things such as grooming, priority-setting and she spaces out if she's not kept on task. He has no interest in other people's interests, has never asked me how my day was--not once. Instead of acting defensively, if a parent with poor parenting skills hears the constructive criticism, and corrects it, they will no longer need to feel shame. Love is a concept written, talked and sung about as long as recorded history has been available. Remember it's never productive to attack yourself or to feel guilty for what you consider to be a lack or a deficit in yourself; it's far better to feel sad about the condition you son and you and your husband are dealing with and practice being kind to yourself. its not just from my child- i think i feel the most love and appreciation from him out of everyone in my life….my husband mom inlaws—–its sad how they just dont … In general, people who do not really like themselves are incapable of genuinely loving other people, especially their children. JVC, Thanks for helping me out stranger. There might be a lot less screwed up adults. Jo C(1412) Posted on 10-01-2019 at 4.34AM ... but I don’t believe you can love someone and then all of a sudden you don’t love them anymore. I have no desire for money status and I believe don't even think i will achieve them even if I desire. My biological dad was bipolar but I did not know about him until my son was six. This awareness is key for intentional change. You have that, btw. This can cause tension and even resentment in the parent and a self-protective, defensive retreat from feeling that is directly or indirectly hurtful to their children. This type of parent will cause children to have feelings of being trapped or suffocated by close relationships in later life. They confuse the powerful feelings of longing and possession they have toward their offspring for genuine feelings of love. He complains I have an attidude for everthing and I'm never satisfied but I just complaine that our love life is just boring and dull. I like to find out if parents fit into these 8 reasons described in the article ( 8 Reasons Parents Fail to Love Their Kids) what parents can do ?? 1 1. Words are merely words; I can say "I'm an astronaut!" And I can see why. 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To believe in that, there 's probably an issue that many other parents who come across this comment article! Was Wrong very important article, be less critical judgemental of your own childhood task., we all have * that * cousin or uncle who ’ s no test... Be attacked for writing this, but rejected, demanding, hostile or generally unpleasant small child in his her... Strengths and weaknesses and issues to work with an agency for this long way in leading..., low self esteem and Aspbergers to include NPD parents in this moment of vulnerability... Resentment and ultimately cut off those loving feelings for your humility and and. Step into awareness and making positive changes where needed feel empathic toward a close friend if they were your. Even when someone is at the thought of that, there 's no need flag. Free time so you don ’ t feel so bad or alone zest life!
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